Alles Neu

Der ultimative Soundtrack für den Neuanfang!!!

Mitmenschen,

Gestattet uns unseren Weg, der lang sein kann. Drängt uns nicht,
so zu sein wie früher, wir können es nicht.
Denkt daran, dass wir in Wandlung begriffen sind.
Lasst euch sagen, dass wir uns selbst fremd sind.
Habt Geduld.

Wir wissen, dass wir Bitteres in eure Zufriedenheit streuen,
dass euer Lachen ersterben kann, wenn ihr unser Erschrecken seht,
dass wir euch mit Leid konfrontieren, das ihr vermeiden möchtet.”

Erika Bodner

Damn

all of a sudden I feel like someone put cement bags or something like that on my chest…Time to get out of here…

Por la vida, hermano, por la vida lucharé

Sept. 11th 2007 was just another day I was calling my brother´s cell phone every ten minutes, my stomach cramping, my head bursting, not knowing what to do…
Voy a regalarte la venganza que mereces, voy a ser la fuerza que te faltaba, voy a ser la alegría que buscabas y voy a vivir la familia que no tenías…

and by the way,

the hospital head´s response was, it´s all very sad, but happens all the time, that their patients kill themselves… but they didn´t engage in the slightest effort to figure out what went wrong, what he actually thought at the times they thought he´s ok and faking… zero self-criticism, zero error-analysis, zero future corrections… Maybe there were some individual medics with a brain and a heart and a conscience, who at least used the anonymous error-reporting system for medics…though the very necessity of this system is outrageous….

Firestarter

So, I put out an open letter a while ago, accusing the german health system of lifethreatening flaws according to the treatment of suicidal adolescents at the age between youth and adult psychiatry…because big part of Chris´s surrender to his demons was due to the youth ward kicking him out for age reasons… for anyone who has any understanding of treating suicidals, turning away a patient should seem unthinkable, yet that´s what they did, putting him off for bureaucratic, administrative reasons, thus reenforcing and fueling all preexisting suicidal tendencies…So, by now i didn´t get much feedback, a big southern paper will probably cover the topic, and the health insurance called me up, assuring me that all it would have taken was the hospital applying for an exception from the rules… And, some days ago, i finally got an response from this mediocre regional hospital!!!
They, too, assured me, that my accusations of administrative must-be´s are not true. That leaves us to nothing more, nothing less, than the official black-and-white acknowledgement of the fact that ALL responsibility for the mis-diagnose and mis-treatment of my brother remains with their medical staff!!!
So, never trust a doctor unless you already know more than him or her, or you´ll end up f***d…

Hi, my name is Alex,

and I am in recovery from a major suicide loss and generalized depression…
what a relief would it be to say that to an understanding crowd…

Happy Birthday

Today would have been your 19th Birthday. I can´t wish you happy birthday anymore…but i still want to say I´m sorry! I´m sorry for that i couldn´t help you. I´m sorry for that i didn´t realise what you´re into early enough. I´m sorry I was working too much in that f**g office so that i got late to visit you for your last birthday. I ´m sorry for that i didn´t learn all i did in the past year before it was too late. I´m sorry for that i didn´t give you a hug the last time we parted. I´m sorry for that my cell phone was off that night. Maybe I could have reached you. I´m sorry my last words to you where “go get the new Manu Chao CD”, maybe I could have gotten you into talking that very day, arranging a way out. Maybe. Maybe not. We won´t ever know, but I´ll keep you in my heart forever! As the sting to remind me to never trust anyone making decisions for you. As the sting to remind me to never stop showing endless love for my own son. You´ll always be his invisible uncle. You´ll always be with us! I miss you!

Major Depression

Come to think of it, I remember that while always somewhat an outsider to life, I had my joys and excitements, Skateboarding, Punkrock Guitar and Shouting, Skanking around, Love affairs, i think, though i´m not sure if that was before of what I believe to remember was the beginning of a major (clinical) depression now…it was about the same age like my brother when i was brought down by an intense weight of hopelesness, loss of motivation, loss of perspective, and all that jazz… i was 11th/12th grade, and ironically enough i survived by clinging to more-than-half schizophrenic occult ideas and a quest for ultimate truths…Still i wasn´t able to get my life in line for a good couple of years, and i´m only in any sort of recovery tangent since i met my wife…
My little brother wasn´t as lucky, what cost his life and hurt mine was in good part the lack of awareness for depression, that both he and I where convinced that life was just like that…My mother still is…
But she could have even said in a case of severe pneumonia or the like, pull yourself together and take this homeopathic crap…

depression is a sniper…

catching the young, catching them blue, and bham!, knocking one out… just like that…