alex ian ...

As a survivor

alex ian — Sat, 26 Dec 2009 14:23:49 +0000

of suicide, you simply lose faith in that things might turn out good. As a survivor of a suicide facilitated by the entire system, beginning with school, over “professional help” to clinic, you lose faith in basically anyone. Including yourself, but for yourself, at least you know you,ve tried.

Post by email

alex ian — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 22:09:08 +0000

Now i have finally enabled this feature to be able to post on the move, even more so since i became a blackberry addict. I am
considering re-reading night falls fast these days, but maybe i should read higgy’s diaries again, first. Or wait till spring anyways…

Surviving every day

alex ian — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 21:56:48 +0000

sounds hard, but it´s just like that. I am surviving. Every day. He is with me. Light as Air. Heavy as a Ball and Chain.
I am happy. I am lucky. Often enough. But the darker side will never go away. But that´s life. And I will survive!

Minister of health

alex ian — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 22:15:33 +0000

What reminds me of the response to the minister of health I still have to write some time, that whatever they believe, whatever the docs say in their defense, whatever testimonies they give, however they can´t be held accountable for whatever by no means, since there´s no controlling authority in psychiatry, I was there, I know the truth and they fucked up.

Rest in Peace Torwart

alex ian — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 22:09:51 +0000

The sudden suicide of our keeper left me more than puzzled..still am…Chris used to be a Torwart, too…
What makes me think is, now everyone is talking about depression, but no one is talking about the standard of medical care, since a soccer pro has all the options…i would guess, but maybe that´s wrong, too…
If he had good medical care, the impression could persist, that suicidal depression just can´t be cured, no matter what… Which is wrong, it can be cured, if you´re not in such a bad position to end up in a regional amateur klinikum wunstorf, where the first thing to make an almost 18 year old suicidal understand would be “Well, let´s see, ah yes, please not that when you turn 18 we kick you out”. Great help indeed. The only thing the Klinikum achieved would have been to destroy his last bit of dignity as a human being.
And, tell me if I´m wrong, these are not issues inherent in suicidal depression but clear maltreatment of the latter…
Hendrik Steinkuhl got it right when he said the only way to find a good therapist is to become an expert yourself….
He and I where lucky enough to have had that energy, my Brother wasn´t, Robert Enke apparently neither…

Into the Wild

alex ian — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 22:33:58 +0000

watched the movie finally, alone, left me devastated…

六四事件

alex ian — Fri, 05 Jun 2009 09:04:01 +0000

六四事件 just google ahead… and note the bodycount…

http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/tankman/view/

What comes next?

alex ian — Sat, 27 Dec 2008 07:48:39 +0000

Nur noch konkret reden, gib mir ein ja oder nein.
Schluss mit Larifari, ich lass all die alten Faxen sein.
Sollt’ ich je wieder kiffen, hau ich mir ‘ne Axt ins Bein.
Ich will nie mehr Lügen, ich will jeden Satz auch so meinen.

Peter Fox, Alles Neu

I have to let go now…

alex ian — Sun, 26 Oct 2008 12:44:25 +0000

in order to keep my own life and family in line I have to give up fighting the current, I have to let go, to concentrate on the here and now and the future, because I will never achieve justice anyways.
Dear Doctors who so passionately tried to help my brother, I´ll leave you alone now. Of course I still don´t believe any of your Newspeak in your nifty Qualitaetsberichte, where you say you care so very much about monitoring suicidality, and you had only six suicides in 2006.
Well, too bad my brother was one of them in 2007, maybe your monitoring is just as smart as your interaction with patients relatives. Maybe your monitoring is plain TP, but it looks nice in brochures. You say you care very much, and your personnel is well trained and up to date, you´re even associated to the MHH. Too bad that your experienced personnel was on vacation during summer and my brother was left with the newbies…Right, I know my brother was fucked primarily by his family and it´s not your job to undo 18 years in a week, but for you to be considered competent, you should at least be able to name the problem. And to realize you can´t solve it. For me, you still seem incompetent, unable to handle my brothers case medically or organisationally (neither youth nor grown-up), unable to control his compliance, not up to date with latest suicide studies, unable to make the correct diagnose, which all boils down to one term “Fahrlässigkeit”. I know this can never be proven, and I know no one would ever be really interested in doing that, so I retreat now and spend my energy elsewhere. It´s up to you to come to grips with your conscience. Even if I would ever have access to some of your files, its value would be nill, given your power to manipulate one half and hold back the other. I won´t fight a futile war.
In the end, the only way to help myself and my family is to stay in good mental and physical health for not needing pretentious medics, and to learn to be discriminating and demanding right away whenever I have to deal with medics and other superiority-demanding mockups of wise men.
So, if anyone dares to care about other people´s kids, go ahead, demand quality of treatment instead of quality of accounting, but i´ll check out here, keep my deep mistrust against positions of power and cultivate my Qi and my Malicia to survive as a peasant in this world ruled by the modern gentry. I´ll do it chinese way and only care about those next to me…I neither have power nor energy to do else, so, dear doctors who tried to help my brother but in my eyes fucked up completely, go ahead, as ever, as you please…
-Please note the subjectivity of all my statements, no false accusations anywhere-

So was passiert hier dauernd…

alex ian — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 19:40:45 +0000

“That happens frequently around here”, she said, that´s what she said to me in sept. 2007, the day after someone found my brother hanging in some tree, that´s what she said in defense of the hospital she heads now, while we where sitting in their office, the head of his ward, his last psych, and the medical heads in charge. Four against one, four half-gods untouchable by commoners like us, immune to any sort of supervision and control.
“That happens frequently around here”, means they misdiagnose patients all the time and don´t care to re-assess their judgments in the process? How lucky they are that suicides are never reported in public, so that noone would ever realize the amount of their incompetence and arrogance. They can never be held responsible, because they can never be forced to reveal their files. They can perform how ever mediocre they like and never be accounted for. After all, suicides are only patients, they can always get new ones…
“That happens frequently around here”, what, to act against all best practices of suicidal treatment, and let themselves be fooled by the most basic standard textbook behavior of suicidal youths?
How can we ever trust in sending a suicidal patient to a hospital, when they perform like that and get away? Because no one cares. Because of all untouchable medics, psychs are even more untouchable. They can´t be hold accountable – period. Because whatever happens between them and a patient is “too private to be judged externally”. Right, how impossible would it be to check if a best practice standard procedure was applied or not. Or maybe not recognizing textbook suicidal behavior is “best practice” around here, just as good as it gets. “Oh, well, we are very sorry, but that happens frequently around here”.